Men Are Idiots…And I Can Prove It


We’ve all heard women utter the phrase “Men are pigs.”  And I cannot disagree with this assessment.  Men will burp, fart and scratch anything, anytime, anywhere.  We are often thoughtless and juvenile, and totally uncaring to our partner’s needs.  We can be the heavy when it comes to disciplining the children, or the soft touch when a kid wants new cleats. 

What men are most often, however, is idiots. 

Anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows that your woman wants you to “just listen” sometimes.  Men are problem solvers and don’t do this very well, yet we fall into the same trap every time.  Instead of simply being sympathetic and holding our woman’s hand, we tell her “You need to tell that jackass to back off.”  Instead of listening, we offer our own primitive advice, which usually culminates in killing the adversary with a club.  IDIOT.

When it comes to child rearing, men are typically more like a sledgehammer than an instrument screwdriver.  We tend to react quickly and forcefully, and the damage we do is not easily undone.  If a kid comes home an hour late, we are ready to hang them by their thumbs in the yard behind a sign that says “TARDY.”  Not only does this disrupt a kid’s ability to open a soda can, it makes them curl up into the fetal position every time the first bell rings and they aren’t in class.  This rapid, neanderthalic response can be harmful to the relationship between a child and parent.  It’s not really apparent until the child is old and big enough to kick your ass that you start to regret how you raised your kids.  IDIOT.

When it comes to sex, men tend to be a little in a hurry.  Maybe it’s the days or weeks of waiting that causes this.  Maybe it’s the instinct to impregnate the female.  I think, though, that it may simply be the desire to catch the end of the football game that is most directly responsible.  Men don’t always pay close attention to their partner’s needs like we should.  Often we are in such a hurry to “get the job done” that we forget that our woman is a person with feelings and needs that need to be met.  Otherwise, the next wait may be weeks or months.  It’s funny that a boyfriend is a tender, caring lover, while a husband is a freight train late for arrival in Pittsburgh.  IDIOT.

When we are young, men are brash and full of unearned confidence.  Except when it comes to chicks.  We are as clumsy as a one legged plumber trying to learn the tango.  So, we compensate for this by becoming total beatches.  We are so afraid our woman will figure out what losers we are that we pretend to be something we are not, mainly gentlemen.  Guys, you ever fart in the car when you were dating?  How about after you were married?  It kind of becomes a sport to see how fast your wife’s eyes can water.  So, the woman doesn’t get the bill of goods she was sold.  Neither do we, but that’s different.  So, when you are dating, you let the woman know where you are, what you are doing, whom you are with, and when you’ll be home.  If you forget to call, she says nothing because you are so busy falling all over yourself apologizing that she can’ t get a word in edgewise.  And you wonder why, after ten years of marriage, she gets torqued when you show up an hour late smelling like beer and perfume.  IDIOT.

Then, there’s work.  You go to school or get into a trade school or something to learn how to do a job that doesn’t interest or inspire you.  Your passions go largely unfed until they wither away and die.  You go to work every day, surrounded by morons who care about nothing but getting the next promotion, but who have no real skills or intelligence.  You perform your job as well as you can, and sometimes you get ahead, but most of the time you feel like you are just giving it.  “Man,” you think to yourself, “I could be doing graphic art designs for Sony Records.  Instead, I’m plowing through a pile of specifications obvioulsy written by a six year old to figure out how to make this crap work.”  IDIOT.

Yeah, I guess guys are idiots.  If women could figure out a way to create sperm from thin air, we wouldn’t be necessary at all.

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